ZOOFACE

Singapore Zoo is a three hour round walk. It is the most humane zoo I have ever seen, with all the animals moated off and seemingly quite chipper in microcosmic habitats. Except the cockroaches, but fuck them. Each animal had a little plaque:

These sea lions have been kindly donated by Nokia.

If I were to be one of the animals in the zoo I'd be a Malaysian sun bear - they are supercute and good fun as drinking buddies.

We partied with Engen in the world famous Madame Wong's bar, matching drinks with Kiwi Sailors. Dan unfortunately got press ganged, but I managed to free him through a daring midnight raid on their submarine. Dan, Eng and I shocked the Singaporeans with our decadent dancing. The Singaporeans make English people seem open and relaxed.


SQUEAMISH

'You're not a real man until you've sucked on a fish head' - D. Berelowitz

I have been upping my squid intake. One objective for this year is that I wish to be able to blithely pop fish eyes, octopus penises, cow udders into my mouth without a single squeam. It's squid season now, so we're going out hunting tomorrow.


MERSING MERSING ME

We stayed a night in Mersing on the East coast. They were having a big carnival so we duly ate forty chicken satays each.

We went into a travelling zoo - animal lovers might want to cover their eyes at this point. There were beautiful mouse deer in cages so cramped that they couldn't turn around. There was a proboscis monkey in a small cage, being teased by a small monkey on a chain while the locals laughed, and snakes stuffed into tiny boxes.

After dark Dan and I returned with bolt cutters and plastic explosives and started freeing the animals. We were attempting to drag a 30 foot python outside when Malaysian army helicopters turned up. To cut a long story short we made a deal for immunity which involved us working as double agents on the tropical island of Pulau Tiamon. But don't tell anyone.


PULAU TIAMON

I would now officially say I have a smattering of Malay. They have a different greeting for every possible occasion:

Salamat Pagi - good morning
Salamat Tenga Hari - good midday (said from 11:30 - 12:30 - miss that and you're screwed)
Salamat Petang - good afternoon
Salamat Malam - good night
Salamat Datang - welcome
Salamat Tingall - goodbye (said if you're leaving)
Salamat Jalan - goodbye (said if you're staying)
Salamat Brezhnev - said on the first Wednesday of every other month
Salamat Dunk - said during a game of basketball

And that ain't the half of it.

Tiamon is a ridiculous slice of paradise. White sands, crystal waters, cheery locals. I will post some idyllic beach shots on here when I am using a computer that isn't powered by a Malaysian child running inside a wheel.


THE JUNGLE WITHIN

The centre of the island is covered with thick jungle. We walked from the capital Tekek across to Juara on the other side. We saw:

• a red snake
• many stripy lizards ranging in size from mouse to 5 year old child
• big spiders the size of wagon wheels (the confectionary, not the wheels of a wagon)
• fantastically beautiful butterflies of every conceivable colour
• squirrels (the little bastards made us think they were monkeys)
• big ants
• ENORMOUS trees - ENORMOUS!!! ENORMOUS!!!

The wisdom in those trees must be incomprehensibly vast thought i. I placed my hand on one, and listened. Through the fog of ages a voice echoing with a colossal primordial truth spoke:
'Get... a... job'

Ach, what do they know?

Singapore Sling

Nee How Ma = How are you in Mandarin
(you can remember this by raising your knee and inquiring after the wellbeing of someone's mother)

PANCHO

Pancho Maya, the Philippino 51 year old lifetime itinerant, insisted Dan and I accompany him to Little India to sample some ginger tea. The ginger tea was unspeakably creamy and delicious. We whipped out our guitars and had a jam in the restaurant, along with some chapatti. Pancho turned out to have a fantastic voice for singing the blues, and made up the following song:

Buffalo Soldier, dread like a Rasta
Buffalo Soldier in the heart of America
singing ginger tea rumba nandry
ginger tea rumba nandry

Rumba nandry is of course Tamil for 'thank you'. And no, he didn't write the first two lines.


FLOGGING

Imagining that the famed Singaporean corporal punishment involved having one's trousers removed in a public square and one's bottom beaten lightly with a ruler by a scantily clad Asian dominiatrix, I sat opposite the Singaporean Parliament building and chewed gum very loudly.

I was wrong on two counts.

Firstly, the flogging involves being whipped with a poisoned cat o' nine tails, allowed to heal, whipped again in the same place, allowed to heal, whipped again, etc.

Second, chewing gum has in fact been decriminalised in Singapore, and downgraded to a class C snack product. Now one is allowed to chew gum in licensed 'Chewing Gum Houses', though it is still illegal to sell it in large quantities to schoolchildren.


KARAOKE AND FISH

Engen's Aunt is very kindly overcoming her fear of white people to allow Dan and I to sleep in her bunkbeds.

Eng demonstrated her Asian food related bravado by eating a fish eye in a restaurant. We then stumbled into a gay karaoke bar.

Dan performed a rousing rendition of 'What's Up', including sexual grunts during the instrumental, which got everyone going.

Engen gave a stirring rendition of a Chinese power ballad.

The androgynous karaoke controller behind the bar failed to allow my request for My Way to come up before the constant drone of Chinese songs to the same chords as Katy Mellua's 'Closest Thing to Crazy' forced us out into the humid streets.


SINGAPOREANS DISCUSSING THE WEATHER

Singaporean 1: Unbearably hot and moist today, isn't it.
Singaporean 2: 'Tis rather. We certainly were lucky on the weekend, to have that spell of unbearable heat and moistness.
Singporean 1: Indeed. Hope it's unbearably hot and moist tomorrow, we're having the grandkids over.

We sail tonight for Singapore...

I've just arrived. It's very moist and exciting!

The trains are like unbelievably clean public toilets.

There are no fat people, present company excepted.