ZOOFACE

Singapore Zoo is a three hour round walk. It is the most humane zoo I have ever seen, with all the animals moated off and seemingly quite chipper in microcosmic habitats. Except the cockroaches, but fuck them. Each animal had a little plaque:

These sea lions have been kindly donated by Nokia.

If I were to be one of the animals in the zoo I'd be a Malaysian sun bear - they are supercute and good fun as drinking buddies.

We partied with Engen in the world famous Madame Wong's bar, matching drinks with Kiwi Sailors. Dan unfortunately got press ganged, but I managed to free him through a daring midnight raid on their submarine. Dan, Eng and I shocked the Singaporeans with our decadent dancing. The Singaporeans make English people seem open and relaxed.


SQUEAMISH

'You're not a real man until you've sucked on a fish head' - D. Berelowitz

I have been upping my squid intake. One objective for this year is that I wish to be able to blithely pop fish eyes, octopus penises, cow udders into my mouth without a single squeam. It's squid season now, so we're going out hunting tomorrow.


MERSING MERSING ME

We stayed a night in Mersing on the East coast. They were having a big carnival so we duly ate forty chicken satays each.

We went into a travelling zoo - animal lovers might want to cover their eyes at this point. There were beautiful mouse deer in cages so cramped that they couldn't turn around. There was a proboscis monkey in a small cage, being teased by a small monkey on a chain while the locals laughed, and snakes stuffed into tiny boxes.

After dark Dan and I returned with bolt cutters and plastic explosives and started freeing the animals. We were attempting to drag a 30 foot python outside when Malaysian army helicopters turned up. To cut a long story short we made a deal for immunity which involved us working as double agents on the tropical island of Pulau Tiamon. But don't tell anyone.


PULAU TIAMON

I would now officially say I have a smattering of Malay. They have a different greeting for every possible occasion:

Salamat Pagi - good morning
Salamat Tenga Hari - good midday (said from 11:30 - 12:30 - miss that and you're screwed)
Salamat Petang - good afternoon
Salamat Malam - good night
Salamat Datang - welcome
Salamat Tingall - goodbye (said if you're leaving)
Salamat Jalan - goodbye (said if you're staying)
Salamat Brezhnev - said on the first Wednesday of every other month
Salamat Dunk - said during a game of basketball

And that ain't the half of it.

Tiamon is a ridiculous slice of paradise. White sands, crystal waters, cheery locals. I will post some idyllic beach shots on here when I am using a computer that isn't powered by a Malaysian child running inside a wheel.


THE JUNGLE WITHIN

The centre of the island is covered with thick jungle. We walked from the capital Tekek across to Juara on the other side. We saw:

• a red snake
• many stripy lizards ranging in size from mouse to 5 year old child
• big spiders the size of wagon wheels (the confectionary, not the wheels of a wagon)
• fantastically beautiful butterflies of every conceivable colour
• squirrels (the little bastards made us think they were monkeys)
• big ants
• ENORMOUS trees - ENORMOUS!!! ENORMOUS!!!

The wisdom in those trees must be incomprehensibly vast thought i. I placed my hand on one, and listened. Through the fog of ages a voice echoing with a colossal primordial truth spoke:
'Get... a... job'

Ach, what do they know?