is a crazy maelstrom of tourists, market stalls, food vendors, unbelievably loud techno and bucket vendors. It's like nothing on Earth.
TUK TUK
Tuk tuks are ridiculous three wheeled motorized rickshaws. The drivers have deals with shops and brothels etc to bring tourists there in exchange for gas coupons. The first day Dan and I were taken to several temples and things for free because we agreed to stop in a tailors, a tourist bureau and a jewellery shop. Tuk tuk drivers are fearless and completely mad. If you get them going then they'll even do a wheelie. That night after drinking on Khao San Road we piled into a tuk tuk and asked to go somewhere we could dance. We were of course deposited at a brothel. It did have a 'club' upstairs with shit music and expensive drinks. Steve got on very well with the Madam. I had a drunken shouted 'conversation' with an English girl called Hannah about literature. We arranged to meet in Boots the next afternoon, and she was half an hour late, which gave me the unique experience of being stood up in a chemist.
SUNGLAZED AFFAIR
Chatachuk weekend market is an incomprehensible labyrinth. You can walk in any direction for upwards of half and hour and only find more and more corridors with stalls selling everything from snakes, to fake labels, to bad hats. I went with Hannah whom I'd met in the brothel. We ate noodle soup. She bought two pairs of extraordinarily sexy sunglasses, and I bought the most ridiculous pair I have ever seen, yellow goggles with suction padding that make me look like a superhero or twat.
The heavens opened and parts of the market hurriedly packed up. We continued through the covered section and finally decided to go. We had to walk about 30 minutes to get out of the market. Trying to get a cab we were soaked as if we'd been dipped in a vat of ice cold water. Hannah looked hot with her pink dress clinging to her and her hair slicked back. When we got back she came up for a hot shower. We both agreed we were commitment phobes. She accused me of being a player. I denied it and kissed her. Later on she called me a 'Gay Pig'. I like that actually.
LADYBOY SHOW
Classy cabaret in a posh hotel. The ladyboys mimed and danced to ridiculous choreography. Dan was pulled onto stage. Some were beautiful and some were hideous. At one point they all came on dressed as Marilyn Monroe, then Tina Turner, then Michael Jackson. Hilarious. No ping pongs though, it was a classy affair.
STAR WARS III
We paid over the odds to see it in a luxury cinema. About 8 pounds, but we were in massive armchairs that reclined into beds, with blankets, socks and pillows. I think I would have thoroughly enjoyed Digby the Biggest Dog in the World in that cinema. The film was an epic tragedy with bad acting. Loved it.
KING'S PALACE
Met a Thai woman Thom who took us around the Palace grounds with a couple of Spaniards. Most Buddhist temples allow photographs, but I discovered after taking one of the Emerald Buddha in Wat Phra Koew that it was an exception. The guide threatened to turn me into the police unless I sent her a copy. Corruption is rife.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO STEVE
After considerable effort we managed to get a t-shirt made for Steve to wear as he cycles 4000km through Asia. On the front it says 'Trans-Asian Express', with 'TEAM STEVE' on the back. Who wouldn't be thrilled! I also found him a cake. We went to a couple of shit Thai clubs. If you go to a club with Thai people, they tend to order themselves drinks and food and then follow you round with the bill. Dan and I responded by singing My Way karaoke.
Steve was insistent we find the brothel we'd been inadvertently taken to on the first night so he could try to shag the Madam. Somehow we did. Fortunately Dan and I had the presence of mind to board the night bus to Chiang Mai before we were forced to open a bordello and start firing ping pong balls out of our asses.
Since leaving BK I am committed to a life of moderation. I have tattooed the word on my penis to leave this in no doubt.
THAI MATRIARCHY IN GUEST HOUSES
The whole rack of Thais can be divided by my arrogant and generalising eye into various designs. Bold paisley is the elder woman who without fail seems to run each joint. Her lightly checked husband usually stands about with a faraway look in his eye, rubbing his swollen belly that always seems to be hanging out. There are usually one or two unbelievably quiet and effeminate guys of light pastel, and some young, beautiful, extrememely shy girls sporting bow ties. The mouthy matriarch is an endless pisstaker, and if you goad her then she smacks you, in a nice way.
FEVERISH
I was sitting at the back of a beer garden when I saw a tall, sandy haired and pointy chinned girl approach me holding a smooth wooden sphere, slightly larger than a basketball. I took the sphere and played around with it to make her laugh. It was much lighter than I'd expected, and I could even do a few keepy-uppies with it. I asked her where she was from and she lowered her eyes and quietly said Suisse. I tried to talk to her but she babbled unintelligibly. Then she hit me in the face. Pretty hard. She moved her face into mine as if for a kiss, and then hit me again. Is this some kind of sadistic come on? I tried to grab her arms but she kept hitting me, and then kissing me. I looked around, embarrassed. Maybe we should go somewhere private? Because I liked it at first. But at some imperceptible moment, her blows became painful. I tried to hold her arms, but she was too quick, and she seemed to be hitting me harder and harder. I became uncomfortable. 'I'm going to leave now,' I said. I wasn't sure if she could understand me but she continued her barrage, and there was something else in her eyes, a cold intensity that terrified me. I stood up and she pulled me to the ground and pummelled my face. No-one else in the bar seemed to notice or care. Somehow I wriggled away and ran out of the bar and back to my room. I pushed the button on the door to lock it and then went to lock the backdoor, when I was seized by uncertainty about whether I had successfully locked the front door. I went back to it and pushed the button - and it unlocked. At that moment she burst in, smacking the door against my face, a whirlwind of hate and violence.
Dan came in at the point and I woke up. Feverish and ill, I considered the dream. Maybe it was some kind of revenge for my crimes against women?
Turns out I have tonsilitis. That means no hill trekking or elephant riding or Thai cookery courses for me. Five days of antibiotics and no drinking. Just as well perhaps.
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