Extreme Moistness

FERTILITY

The Thai National Park of Khao Sok is draped with curtains of mist across its insane limestone cliffs and every leaf of the endless trees seems fit to burst with life. The trees around our bungalow were weighed down with juicy fresh rambutan and mangosteen that you could pluck off, peel and devour before debonairely chucking the rind into the sodden earth.

The residents of the area move in slow motion. Food tends to come about two hours after you order it, and is often completely different. We made friends with many of the locals, especially a guy at our place called Pu, with a shapely face and a lackadaisical wit.

Our grand ideas of conquering the forest dissolved in a bottle of whiskey. We taught some lovely Canadians Israeli dancing. Dan attempted to teach me to ride a bicycle with a little success. I am no Frenchman yet, but ça vient.


THE ONLY BAR

There is only one bar in Khao Sok and fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your level of puritanical hypocrisy, it opened on our first night there. We read this as an omen and found our way back there every night. The owner, Dang (Shadow) adored our endless guitar and invited us for bongs underneath the bar. Before we left, we presented him with a visitor book for comments. It was just so we could get on the first page. On our last night we stayed up til morning with a pair of crazy Engleesh, one of whom ate an entire pack of ritz crackers, while the other put a frog the size of basketball on his face. Mr Ritz Cracker also coined the immortal line (in the normal course of conversation):

You don't have to know about topiary to know when you are fucked.

After this extravaganza, Dan and I donned some cagouls (binbags with hoods) and headed down to monkey corner. The relentless rain had burst the river's banks. The bank had been two metres up the day before and now the whole plain was a wade of browning water. It was extraordinary. We stood and gawped. The immense cliffs leaned over us and sighed.


A SEGUE WAY TO MALAYSIA

I have already mentioned that Malaysians have a particular greeting for between 11:30 and 1:30, selamat tenga hari, as opposed to selamat patang (good afternoon). This specificity causes a slight delay – when you say selamat tenga hari, Malaysians tend to turn around to look at a clock before responding. Does this mean Time is more of a concern in their society? Londoners tend to know the time from their phone, computer and watch. Perhaps it’s better to need a look.


HOW DOES THE WATER FALL?

We finally entered the rainforest in Khao Sok along a path big enough to drive a Soviet tank. We would have plunged through the foliage but hoards of armed leeches squelched hungrily among the leaves.

Eventually we found a waterfall. It was not a high waterfall, like the Angel, nor a large one like Niagara. It was low and wide, with two cascades of water forking down either side of a boulder cluster.

We plunged in at the bottom and swam against the current to the rocks at the side. With natural agility we scaled the rocks of the waterfall, dipping into the ferocious flow to guzzle freshly delicious, ice cold water. We bathed in various pockets and plunge pools to feel the power of the water crashing on our heads. In the middle, there was a hole where three streams united in a churning vortex. Dan lowered himself in, arms straining against the boulders on either side. The force of the water yoiked his shorts back between his legs giving him a backwards wedgie. His yelps were obliterated by the roar of the water. I went in next and the river almost stole my pants. Saucy bitch.


KEEPING TABS

In these homely out of the way places, with chalets and a central restaurant, tabs can be dangerous things. I’ll have chicken with cashew nuts, rice, yes why not some fried chicken as well just in case, a banana milkshake, a large Chang, oh and some water, and shall we get some of those little- actually make it two banana milkshakes. It’s all right, it’s free. For now...

We felt like family there after a while. They stopped taking our orders and we almost had to go and cook for ourselves. Imagine! I tended to feel awkward asking for things because the restaurant is essentially their lounge. The extended family all sit around, chatting, smoking, watching TV, playing with their extremely cute little kids, and I feel bad for disturbing them to ask for my fourteenth banana milkshake of the day. But you don’t understand. It must be the potassium, and that freshly picked juicily ripe succulence - I HAVE TO HAVE IT. It’s the taste of pulped Nature and it drives me on!


BANGKOK

After the otherwordly moistness of Khao Sok we have descended on the unruly bustle of Bangkok. A kaleidoscopic hungover nightmare. It’s hot and crazy and I LOVE IT.